By Alena Gerst, LCSW RYT
Some people enjoy therapy. And there is no question that many therapists deeply enjoy their work. It is an honor to sit with people and hold space for them to share their worries, their challenges, and their victories too.
The real “gold” for therapists is observing and supporting clients through challenges they didn’t think they could weather. We watch people make creative adjustments to align their lives with their values and their priorities. Often these adjustments come about in breathtaking ways that we could never have predicted or advised. Supporting people through those times and seeing them come out the other side is the real reward of our work.
But the catch is that we did not do that work.
Therapists are trained to listen for patterns of behaviors, cognitions (thoughts), and habits that are keeping you stuck. We reflect those back to you in ways that are as diverse as we are. Some of us are more interactive, some are more passive. Every therapist, through their training and experience, develops these skills according to their own nature and personalities.
Beyond that, the real work of therapy comes from you.
So when someone has a breakthrough, a new and helpful insight, or victory, and they credit their therapist, that’s when I sit up a little straighter and listen carefully for what went wrong.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I cannot live without my therapist!”
If any of my clients say that about me, then I’m not doing my job. I want all of my clients to live well without me! If something were to happen to me and our work had to stop, I want them to all know that they will be ok. I hope, and believe, they understand my belief in them and their abilities to navigate their lives.
There are 3 core values I believe a therapist should bring into the therapy room (or therapy zoom) to the work, that will help you thrive in your life.
- Confidence
Your therapist should have confidence in you, even if you lack confidence in yourself. It’s normal during some periods in your life to experience a lack of self esteem and to question your abilities to get through a given situation.
In psychotherapy, your therapist can serve as a surrogate while you work to build your own confidence up. Sometimes it can be very helpful to know that someone you trust believes you can find your way to the other side of the mountain, even when you don’t. - Faith
This is not in the religious sense, but there is a spiritual aspect to it. At Inside Psychotherapy, we often refer to some of the principles of The Artists Way, by Julia Cameron. One thing the AW emphasizes is the power of coincidence. This is referred to as “synchronicity.”
Briefly, the idea comes from the common phrase, “there are no coincidences.” If you notice coincidences in your life as you’re embarking on, or deeply into, the psychotherapeutic process, you can take that as a signal that you are on the right track.
For example, if you fleetingly thought of a person and then suddenly run into them, that’s synchronicity. If you meet someone who shares your birthday, if you randomly connect with someone who shares your same special interest, all can be taken as more than just coincidence. We see that as signs that you are moving in a direction of energy, rather than against the current.
Even when you are taking actions that feel different and uncomfortable or unfamiliar, and you are not sure where they will lead, sometimes you need to lean into faith that you will emerge from hardship. - Trust
The process of psychotherapy requires a high level of trust. You may walk into therapy ready to unload all that you have been holding in. Or you may need more time to develop trust. Your therapist is here for all of it, and you are welcome to take all the time you need.
As your trust in your therapist deepens, our hope is that so too does your trust in yourself. Your therapist is here to support and encourage you as you try new skills, disrupt unhelpful thought patterns and habits of choice. But ultimately, that trust must transfer from your therapist to you. So that you are never dependent on your therapist in a way that leaves you feeling like you need them.
We therapists often say that, regardless of modality or type of intervention, the most important aspect of therapy is the alliance itself between client and therapist. It is “relational” work because it is indeed a relationship. The trust is built from the first call, and becomes a foundation where you can feel comfortable saying whatever comes to your mind, without fear of judgment or reprisal.
It may feel like a great relief to be able to express those thoughts and feelings that have led you to feel shame or embarrassment, to someone who can receive and accept you still. The hope is through that trust, you will begin to feel less shame, express more of who you are, and trust that you are acceptable and enough.
In Conclusion
If you ever find yourself in a position where you feel like you are too dependent on your therapist, or like you need their approval or their opinions, it may be time to re-examine the relationship.
A good therapist doesn’t want or need you to depend on them for your existence. We want you to build your confidence in yourself, to have faith that you can navigate your own life challenges, and trust that you have your own back.
We are here to reflect and help you identify your patterns, bolster those that work for you and disrupt those that don’t. And when you are ready to move on, we will celebrate your victories, and wish you all the best!
