By Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Just stop!”
“You are overreacting.”
“Quit overthinking it.”
Sound familiar? Each of these statements, while dismissive on the surface, are signaling a message that can, if it hasn’t already, sink in on a deeper level. If you were expressive as a child, or still are as an adult, and heard statements like this often, you may have internalized these messages in the present: You’re too much.
While feelings of inadequacy are common themes for anxiety therapy, the feeling of being “too much” gets less air time. But these concerns are a frequent guest in the psychotherapy room. I wanted to take some time to explore why.
But first: If this speaks to you, I want to start by acknowledging that I know it can feel intensely isolating.
I also want you to hear this: You are really (really) not alone in your repetitive thoughts and concerns about this. It can also be confusing to feel at once like you are not a good enough person/partner/parent/employee, and simultaneously worry that you are coming on too strong, or like you are a burden to the people in your life.
How did you come to think of yourself in this way?
While the potential reasons for these feelings of being too much are abundant, there are three root causes that often come up during therapy for anxiety.
- Heightened sensitivity
If you are a highly sensitive person, think of your nervous system as living in a near constant state of threat. When you perceive threat, aka you feel anxious, you are effectively living on “high alert,” making you more prone to perceive a typically non-threatening situation as dangerous, or more problematic than it actually is. This will often lead you, as someone who struggles with anxiety, to seek constant reassurance or accommodations.
This can look like you asking your family or friends to change social plans because you are uncomfortable. Or you may feel compelled to ask your partner if everything is ok between you repeatedly, to the point of their exasperation.
The secret to anxiety therapy is that when you seek these accommodations, reassurances, or reminders of comfort, you are actually growing your anxiety! - Cognitive Distortions
Anxiety often involves thinking patterns that are distortions; possibly rooted in some level of reality, but then twisted to fit the anxious narrative that runs through your mind. Cognitive (or thinking) distortions will often lead to over-reactions, ironically, as a way that your anxious thoughts are trying to protect you from getting hurt or disappointed.
These distortions can include things like:- Planning or, or expecting, the absolute worst possible outcome: catastrophizing.
- Applying a former or perceived negative experience to all situations: overgeneralizing.
- Seeing situations in extreme, all-or-nothing terms with no room for nuance: black-and-white thinking.
- Unfortunately, the reality is the distortions will usually lead you to (unnecessarily) jump to negative conclusions and amplify your perceived severity of a situation, often before it even happens! You will have wasted so much time and emotional energy on a perceived threat that has yet to occur.
- Emotion Dysregulation:
When you feel anxious, it’s as if your emotional responses go into overdrive, or feel like a runaway train barrelling down a mountain and you feel powerless to stop it.
When anxiety is high, it may be difficult to moderate emotional responses, leading to exaggerated reactions. The people around you may be wondering what is happening! Why are you having such a strong reaction? Your emotional intensity is not in alignment with the actual level of threat or stress to the situation.
If you feel like your emotional reactions are out of line with the reality of a situation much of the time, you may benefit from anxiety therapy. Sometimes a deep dive into the lenses through which you are viewing the world can be adjusted through a cognitive-behavioral approach.
If you have often been told that you come on too strong, or are too much emotionally, it may be a signal that there is more pain going on beneath the surface that can be addressed.
Don’t be afraid to take up space!
That is one of the reasons psychotherapy exists. Your therapist will support you through your fear of rejection and judgment. Overcoming the desire to conform so that you are not “too much” for others in your life is a process, and it’s important for you to find places where you can fully express yourself, while also reducing the hold anxiety has on your life.
