By Alena Gerst, LCSW | Founder, Director, Psychotherapist
As more people are identifying themselves as neurodivergent, conversations about what it means to be neurodivergent seem to be popping up everywhere.
Being neurodivergent simply means you process information differently. You can fall just about anywhere on the spectrum of having a neurodivergent mind. Just like with everyone else, when you’re in a relationship, that means your way of thinking might not always line up with your partner’s. When you are in a relationship when one or both partners are neurodivergent, extra care is required to make sure you are honoring each of your needs to avoid overwhelm, resentment, and burnout.
Recognizing the unique challenges identified by people who are a part of a neurodivergent relationship, instead of trying to ignore them, is the first step toward conquering them together.
Let’s take a closer look at some of those common challenges and what you and your partner can do to work together on strengthening your relationship.
1. Communication Issues
Communication issues can plague any couple. However, communication is often more challenging for neurodivergent couples for a variety of reasons. It’s not always easy for someone with a neurodivergent mind to pick up on things like social cues or sarcasm. That can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, hurt feelings, and even harm.
You or your partner may also have a hard time understanding or expressing your emotions, leading to a lack of vulnerability and intimacy. It’s important to look for cues that are not only verbal. Body language, shutdown, and avoidance can be a sign that a neurodivergent person is feeling overwhelmed, left out, or generally uncomfortable. Differences in communication styles can make it difficult to feel like you’re forming an emotional connection.
2. Sensory Overload
It’s not uncommon for neurodivergent people to be more sensitive to stimuli.. Things like bright lights, noises, and crowded spaces can cause a lot of stress. Because of this neurodivergent people can need more breaks to rest and re-charge their social batteries. And while sleep is of course important for everyone, a neurodivergent person may need even more sleep, which is ironic, because insomnia is also a common, and frustrating, characteristic in neurodivergent people.
3. Emotional Regulation
People with neurodivergent minds tend to regulate emotions differently. If your partner’s emotional regulation efforts are different, it can take extra effort to understand each other’s emotional states.
That can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and even conflicts or withdrawal.
You might find that one person in the relationship starts to play the “parent” role. One of you might start to take on more responsibilities within the relationship because you’re able to manage your emotions more effectively. Unfortunately, this isn’t healthy or sustainable and will ultimately end up doing more damage to the relationship.
4. Executive Functioning
Many neurodivergent individuals struggle with things like planning, time management, and organization. That can lead to frustration in the relationship, causing tension and, once again, contributing to a sort of parent-child cycle.
If you find that your partner is consistently running late, or forgetting things like important dates or details about you and your relationship, those disappointments can accumulate and be hurtful. And it’s also a sign that your partner may need extra support in creating ways to remind themselves for day to day responsibilities so they can run on time, and in helping with reminders when important events are coming up.
What Can You Do?
The best thing you can do to adapt to some of the common challenges you might face as a neurodivergent couple is to prioritize communication. Open, transparent, and nonjudgmental communication is essential. It will help you avoid misunderstandings while becoming more in tune with each other’s needs.
It’s also important to practice self-care within your relationship. This is just as important individually as it is as a couple. Plan to spend time together that’s not just focused on “home admin,” or one of both of you on your screens. Offline time together is critical, and becoming harder to do. Prioritize both of your well-being, and make sure you’re doing things to manage your stress so that you both can show up for your partners and be fully present.