Parenting is…well, everything everyone says it is (wonders and challenges and everything in between), and also impossible to convey!
It is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world. But, there’s no question that it’s also one of the most demanding. Some days can feel harder (and more stressful) than others. You might find that you lose your patience faster, and it’s more difficult to keep your cool. Especially if you have a child who struggles with any kind of “extra” need.
Those tough moments can cause regret or make you feel bad about yourself later if you didn’t show up the way you intended.. No parent wants to “lose it” in front of their children or snap just because they’re overwhelmed. But please keep in mind that sometimes, reactions (and regret) are normal. Sometimes we just don’t have all of our spoons when a tough moment presents itself.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to increase the possibility that you keep your cool during tough moments. Even when things feel overwhelming, being able to stay calm and level-headed, or at the very least, take some space until you can gather yourself, will improve the way you feel about yourself and your parenting abilities while fostering a healthier, secure relationship with your kids.
Let’s cover a few tips you can use for parenting during difficult moments while keeping your cool.
Take a Deep Breath
Difficult moments can be overwhelming for everyone. You might have the best of intentions when it comes to staying calm. But that’s often easier said than done.
If you’re starting to feel heated during a specific situation, take a deep breath. Count to 5 on your exhale. Take another: count to 6, and so on until you get to 10. Then, lower your voice and consider squatting down to your child’s level if they are small. Acknowledge to them that the situation is hard, and you need to take a minute and a couple breaths, in the kind of language they’ll understand.
Sometimes, breathing and using a calm voice is all it takes to de-escalate a disregulated nervous system (in both you and your child!). Raising your voice or appearing stressed and overwhelmed is likely to make things worse and can cause your child to struggle with those feelings, too. Is it always possible to feel not-stressed and not-overwhelmed (underwhelmed? We’ve always wondered about that word)? No it is not! But we’re not aiming for perfection here. Just increasing coping skills.
You child will see you taking a pause to re-regulate yourself, and they will learn over time what you are modelling for them.
Foster Open Communication
Communication is one of the most important things you can encourage within your family unit. For starters, open communication may help to limit the number of “tough moments” you have as a parent.
But, when those moments do arise, it will make it easier for you and your children to express yourselves openly and honestly. Being able to talk about feelings without judgment is important.
Clear communication also makes it easier to set expectations within your home, so your children know what is expected of them and what the consequences are if those expectations aren’t met. Providing that kind of clarity eliminates confusion and helps with everything from daily routines to making healthy life choices.
Be sure to approach communication when you are both in a calm state. Trying to have a conversation while one or both of you is disregulated will be a lost cause. But a brief chat after the storm has passed can help.
Similarly, if you notice a pattern of challenges over time, communicating about what you’ve seen happening repeatedly and trying to get “upstream” of the situation can help. This can be especially effective if it is a collaborative effort with your child, where you notice the problem and approach a potential solution with curiosity, rather than demands.
Be Present
As a parent, we know that it feels like there are a hundred [thousand] things on your plate every day. But, if you’re dealing with a tough moment at home with your kid(s), it’s important to give it the time and focus it deserves.
Don’t allow yourself to be distracted during these moments. Set aside time to talk about the challenges when you’re able to be fully present, and stay focused on the situation at hand, rather than thinking about things that have happened before, checking your phone, or some other distraction.
Staying grounded in the present makes you more mindful and your children will feel it.. It can help to reduce stress and keep you calm even when you’re dealing with something difficult.
Practice Self-Care
You’ve heard it before and we’ll say it again: you can’t pour from an empty cup.
While you might feel like you have to prioritize everyone else’s needs, it’s important to focus on your own well-being, too. Practicing self-care is essential for parents. It will make it easier to fight back against stress, and bounce back from stressful situations when you get upset too, while improving your mental and physical well-being over the long term.
Caring for yourself is like money in the bank. You have your routines and, even when you’re feeling good, you must keep them up. Because stressful times with your children will inevitably arise, and you don’t want to be faced with those times with a negative wellness account.
Self-care doesn’t have to take a lot of time or resources. Focusing on the basic things like prioritizing sleep, being physically active as much as possible, and practicing daily mindfulness (like naming 5 things you’re grateful for, tasting your food, incorporating things you find pleasing into your life like flowers on the table or essential oils in your shower, or music…the potentials are endless).. Incorporating these things into your daily routine will allow you to model healthy behaviors for your children, which can also help to reduce the tough moments you experience with your kids.
Self-care can also include talking to someone, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed. While some stress as a parent is unavoidable, it’s not something that should dictate your whole life or influence how you treat your kids, or yourself.. If you need some help understanding the source of that stress or different ways of managing it effectively, working with a therapist may help you debrief, and find other ways to manage challenging situations you are having as a parent.
You’ve heard it before and we’ll say it again: you can’t pour from an empty cup.
