Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT
From my earliest memories, I had a lot of energy, motivation, and many aspirations.
Combine that with rigorous dance training and there’s a perfect recipe for perfectionism on a perfect little platter.
If there’s one thing that adulthood, parenthood, and professional-hood will teach you, is that perfectionism is an impossible deal. If you strive to be perfect, you will be constantly disappointed.
I was reminded of that fact this week. With my partner traveling for business, I was home to manage the household, the kids, and work.
I was feeling like Mother-of-the-Year. I was sending my kids off to school with their nails clipped, their hair washed, their bodies cleaned, well-rested, well-fed, homework complete.
On day 3, I received a text from my daughter from her school bus.
“We forgot to pack my school iPad.”
In the big picture, it’s really not a big deal. But in that moment, the perfectionist hammer that still lurks in the recesses of my brain came down on me hard. How could I forget her school iPad? We pack it every morning. On top of that, she watches her iPad on her long bus commute to school.
In that moment, I wrestled with my thoughts, ranging from, “how could I have missed that?“
To: “Well bummer. I’m not perfect.”
Perfectionism, also known as the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, often appears as a virtuous trait, associated with high standards and a commitment to excellence. However in reality, it transforms into a paralyzing force that does a perilous number on your wellbeing. Overcoming perfectionism, a lifelong endeavor for many people, is not about settling for mediocrity but rather about finding a balance between ambition and self-compassion.
Understanding Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On one side, it motivates you to strive for excellence…mother of the year! But the underbelly and truth of perfectionism is it breeds anxiety and fear of failure. Recognizing the characteristics of perfectionism is the first step towards overcoming it. Common signs include setting excessively high standards, being overly critical of yourself, and an intense fear of making mistakes, which only increases anxiety.
If you struggle with perfectionism, here are some ideas on how you would work with it in anxiety therapy , so it doesn’t define your life and rob you of your joy and accomplishments.
1. Redefine Success and Failure
Do you measure success solely by flawless achievements, neglecting the growth and learning embedded in setbacks? It helps to redefine success and failure. Embrace the idea that mistakes are stepping stones toward improvement. Shift your focus from a rigid pursuit of perfection to a more flexible understanding of success that allows room for imperfections. One thing I know for sure after ipad-gate is that we will be more mindful when packing morning backpacks, now that we have learned from our mistake of forgetting it.
2. Set Realistic Goals
Setting unattainable goals (i.e. perfection), only sets you up for disappointment. Break down larger goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. This not only makes the objectives seem less overwhelming but also provides a sense of accomplishment with each step achieved. Celebrate these small victories, practice patience with setbacks, and most importantly, acknowledge progress.
3. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Therapy for perfectionism focuses on negative self-talk and an incessant inner critic. Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if they are based on reality or if they are exaggerated. Replace self-critical statements with more balanced and compassionate affirmations. This is hard stuff! This can feel disingenuous and fake. But that’s your perfectionist mind trying to keep hold of its reins on you. Recognizing and reframing negative thoughts can gradually shift your mindset towards self-acceptance.
4. Embrace the Learning Process
Perfectionists tend to focus on the end result rather than the journey. Embrace the learning process, viewing challenges as opportunities for growth. Understand that mastery and expertise come from experience, practice, and very often, mistakes or failure. Cultivate a mindset that values progress over perfection.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
This is a tough one for many people. Developing self-compassion is crucial in overcoming perfectionism. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend facing challenges. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. Learning to forgive yourself and move forward with a positive outlook is an essential skill in breaking the chains of perfectionism.
Managing perfectionism while in therapy for anxiety is a gradual process that involves self-reflection, changing thought patterns, and . By redefining success, setting realistic goals, challenging negative thoughts, embracing the learning process, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to shake loose the grip of perfectionism.
In the case of the forgotten i-pad, it was the 10-year-old who set my mind at ease. “It’s OK mom. I have a book to read on the bus and they’ll have an extra iPad for me at school.”
While I was grateful to her for settling my anxious heart, the work of deactivating and reprogramming perfectionism for some of us is a lifelong endeavor. It can be uncomfortable to be reminded that you’re not perfect. But the truth is, nobody is, and nobody can be.
Remember, the pursuit of excellence is commendable, but the journey towards it should be marked by self-acceptance, resilience, and a willingness to learn from every experience, whether perfect or imperfect.
