In loving memory of Virginia Davidson.
If you’ve been following my writings for a while, you may be aware that before I became a therapist, I was a professional singer and musical theater performer.
If you don’t work in the performing arts or know any professional singers well, you may not have noticed that singers are very protective of their voices. Singers tend to think of themselves as “vocal athletes,” who require daily vocal practice and at least weekly lessons with their teachers. This helps them keep their voices healthy, and also enables them to continue developing as a vocal artist.
In fact, many singers will tell you that their voice teachers are the cornerstones of their success. This is not only because of the singing exercises they do together, but the relationship with a good voice teacher can be life changing for a singer. Vocal teachers work quietly behind the scenes with a singer, and with the most intimate of musical instruments of all, the voice.
Back when I was still performing, long before I got myself into psychotherapy, I was one very fortunate singer to have found a voice teacher who taught me how to sing in a healthy and sustainable way so I didn’t damage my voice.
But more importantly, she allowed for the time and space that I needed to build a trusting relationship with her. One in which I could allow myself to sing off key, to reach high and low for notes that I couldn’t get to. To be vulnerable and open about what I could and couldn’t yet do, and to take criticism in stride, so that I could grow vocally and build my confidence.
And also, sometimes, to let my feelings out. Writing this now as a therapist, as I think about my voice teacher, I sense a lot of parallels in the work of therapy and the teaching of voice.
I imagine many voice teachers, including mine, sitting behind their pianos with students not only working on their tone and breath support, but with their emotions.
I recall a time when I’d been experiencing prolonged conflict with a dear friend. I was carrying my hurt and confusion by our tension and distance. I went in for a voice lesson, and as my teacher was warming up my voice, I could feel intense emotion welling up inside of me as we worked higher up the scale.
Eventually, we worked up to a particularly high note. As soon as my voice touched the note, I broke down sobbing. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
Virginia took her hands off the piano and put them in her lap. She sat quietly and waited, holding the space, while I sat on the floor with my head in my hands, letting it all out. After I had calmed down and sat quietly for a few minutes, I looked up at her. She held my gaze and said quietly, “What’s going on?”
I told her everything. And after talking about it for a while, I was able to once again take long deep breaths, and we got back to singing. The talking was part of the lesson. And my voice was more open and free than it had been when I walked in that day.
After some time talking about what was bothering me, I realized I couldn’t sing from a place of truth if I was holding in emotion and pretending to be ok. I needed to cry in order to sing.
As a therapist, I have the honor of witnessing these moments often. While these moments sometimes sneak up on my clients during our sessions, I am no longer surprised when they make a statement they’ve long known to be true, but say out loud and spontaneously cry.
I call it a truth cry.
I didn’t feel less sad after that conversation about my friendship during my voice lesson. But I did feel more grounded and able to move forward once I faced the truth of what was happening in my friendship.
I sometimes think this is what the saying, “The Truth will set you free” is referring to. The truth is not always happy. It’s often unpleasant. But what’s more unpleasant is when you avoid the truth. Denial of what is true can be very powerful, and the urge to suppress truth, whether to avoid uncomfortable feelings or difficult interactions, will eventually do more harm than good.
The truth cry is something that can happen in a singing lesson, as I’ve mentioned. It can happen with a friend or loved one, with a pet, in a yoga practice, or even in the mirror. It also comes up often in the therapy room too.
While reading this, are you wondering if there is a truth you are avoiding? Some common truths that come up in therapy as truth cries include:
- A personal or professional decision you’re avoiding that could alter the course of your life.
- How you are handling a conflict with a friend, loved one, or co-worker.
- Health-related choices that you need to make, for yourself or someone who depends on you.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
If you have ever experienced a sense of emotion bubbling beneath the surface, and then you speak some words that allow the truth to come out and spontaneously feel a wave of intense emotion, it’s the truth.
The truth will guide you to your next step, and then the step after that.
You don’t even need to name the emotion when you experience a truth cry. Just let it flow. Give yourself some time to settle down again. And then you’ll make your next decision from a place of truth.
