By Alena Gerst, LCSW RYT
A Question Posed In a Forum
Recently on one of my professional forums for therapists called The Women’s Mental Health Consortium, a male colleague posed a question.
To paraphrase, he wanted to become more knowledgeable about women’s issues and concerns, to better support his women-identified clientele, and become a more competent therapist.
I replied quickly and was surprised at how easily and effortlessly my response rolled off my fingertips and onto my keyboard. I’m pasting it below in bold:
- Pregnancy loss (far more common than is ever discussed)
- Pregnancy termination
- Feelings of shame about not being partnered
- Feelings of shame about being childless
- -by choice
- -not by choice
- Feelings of shame about their appearance/not meeting society’s expectations and depictions of women
- Feelings of shame for not enjoying motherhood
- Sexual assault
- There’s not a woman alive who hasn’t been sexually harassed
- There’s not a woman in the professional world who hasn’t been subject to gender discrimination to some extent
I know some of these may sound hyperbolic. But they’re not. It’s just the quiet things women don’t usually talk about outside the therapy room or with one another.
Thanks for asking the question. Happy to discuss any of these further.
Whoa.
Even re-reading that now kind of takes my breath away.
The More Things Change…
And I cannot even fathom how much has changed thanks to decades of progressive activism on behalf of women. To think that my own mother, who graduated the same year with the same postgraduate degree as my father, could not own property or have a credit card in her name when they finished law school and got married.
Ok. That’s a lot.
For today’s purposes, I want to narrow down the focus to one topic from my perspective as a Therapist in NYC, as the title of this blog suggests: the pressure on women to have children.
The Pressure Starts With “It’s a girl!”
From my earliest girlhood years, when I was socially encouraged to play with and take care of dolls (my brother was not…but I enjoyed them), to being taught how to cook (because “what will you do when you get married if you can’t cook?”) (I don’t cook), to the near-constant questions from curious elders, beginning even before adolescence and going forward as to whether I have a boyfriend.
The curiosity and encouragement towards marriage and motherhood for women starts as early as young girlhood, and goes well beyond the family and community, to the greater society.
Common Questions Women Are Faced With:
When a woman has a boyfriend: “When are you getting married?”
(or as my dear, well-meaning uncle liked to ask while I was working hard towards my undergraduate degree in Psychology, “When are you getting your MRS?”)
When a woman gets married: “When are you having babies?”
When a woman has a baby: “When are you having another?”
Where Does Not Conforming to Societal Expectations Leave You?
The women reading this probably know well what I’m talking about. The implication is that if you don’t do any of these things society expects of you, you are aberrant.
And if you don’t follow the social code, what does that say about you? What is your place in society?
And what do all of these messages do to your mental health as a woman?
Each woman’s conceptualization of whether to have children is as unique as we are!
The “Choice” isn’t always a choice
For some women, they feel an intense pull to be a mother. Because of various circumstances, they either can, or they cannot. Circumstances for those who cannot are so varied, I don’t have enough word count space in this post to enumerate them.
Societal Pressure to Become a Mother
Some women become mothers because they feel the social pressure to do so. Raising children is one of the most demanding and costly challenges a woman can take on. It’s ironic that for some women, it seems to be the path of least resistance when uncertainty and ambivalence are her prevailing feelings about motherhood.
From that point, individual experiences, children’s needs, finances, and levels of support will shape whether a woman who went into motherhood unsure if it was right for her will be a positive and rewarding experience or something she has mixed feelings about, or even regrets. Time will tell.
Those Who Know Motherhood Is Not for Them
There are also women who know, without question, that motherhood is not for them. They have complete clarity. For these women, fielding the constant questions for the duration of their childbearing years (and beyond!) becomes a continuous refrain. Each woman must then develop her own responses to these deeply intrusive questions, verbal and implied.
Women Who Want to Have Children, But Cannot
And then there are women who want to be mothers, but by circumstance, are unable to have children, or have suffered pregnancy loss(es), and for whom adoption is not accessible. The grief that comes with this is something they often experience quietly and behind closed doors, with trusted loved ones, in therapy, and very often, alone.
Before You Ask, Think Again
Regardless of the circumstances, the pressure to have children, and even more so, the pressure for women to want to have children, starts early, and persists for most of a woman’s life. The mental health implications are complex and nuanced, specific to each individual woman.
But it’s worth considering before you ask a woman (or even a little girl!) about her plans to have a child, think about what you are signaling to her about expectations over her body, her finances, and her potential career.
One question may not necessarily be pressure. But constant questioning from multiple areas of life across decades that women endure, is absolute pressure.
Pregnancy, giving birth, and raising children is a personal choice. And the effects of that pressure on a woman’s mental health can be intrusive at best, and damaging at worst.
Learn to Navigate Your Own Personal Journey With Therapy for Women’s Mental Health in NYC Today and Write Your Own Story!
Inside Psychotherapy in NYC invites you to take action and contribute to creating a supportive and understanding environment for women by raising awareness about the pressure they face regarding motherhood.
You can help create a more inclusive and understanding society that respects women’s autonomy and mental well-being. Together, we can contribute to a world where women feel empowered to make choices that align with their personal values and aspirations.
- Learn more about our skilled team of therapists here.
- Fill out our convenient online contact form.
- Begin the journey to a life free from anxiety!
Other Therapy Services Offered at Inside Psychotherapy, NYC.
In addition to Therapy For Women’s Issues, we offer a wide variety of therapy services designed to meet you where you are in your life. We also offer services both online and in person. We also utilize several different treatment modalities including CBT, Eclectic Psychotherapy, Mindfulness, and Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. Our services include therapy for:
