By Alena Gerst, LCSW | Founder, Director, Psychotherapist
If you consider yourself a perfectionist, you will know what I’m about to write about. Perfectionists are often the first to call themselves out as wanting nothing but perfection.
Whether you are someone who wants everything to be perfect, or you have specific “themes” that require perfection: Appearance, work productivity, home presentation, perfectionism can lead to high levels of anxiety, and you probably already know this: It’s an impossible standard to reach, let alone maintain.
Chasing Perfection
Do you push yourself to meet impossibly high standards?
Even when your achievements shine on the surface, anxiety often lurks beneath, sometimes hidden even from you. Your drive to excel can mask the stress and pressure you put on yourself from day to day, or even minute to minute.
Perfectionism can trap you in a cycle of self-criticism and overachievement. You set unrealistic goals and feel immense pressure to meet them. When you fall short, the anxiety grows—but you may dismiss it as a lack of effort rather than an emotional struggle.
By the time many people who struggle with perfectionism get into therapy, they don’t realize how constant their self-criticism is. The negative self-talk cycle has become an unconscious thought habit, and the cycle continues without you even realizing it.
Some people in anxiety therapy are surprised when they develop increased awareness of how awful they speak to, and of, themselves. You can imagine if you were to speak to a young child the way you speak to yourself, that child would whither away in low self-worth, or become increasingly driven to reach for the impossible standards of perfectionists.
Masking Perfection
To the outside world, you seem tireless, but your productivity may be fueled by worry. You stay busy to silence or appease anxious thoughts that you’re flawed or imperfect. But this constant activity prevents you from acknowledging your emotional needs and taking care of yourself.
We have an ethos in our society that hard driving, highly motivated, nonstop effort to attain perfection will bring you success, and ultimately, happiness. I like to tell people that high energy, constant striving for the ultimate perfect result may lead you to success. But if you continue in this way, you will not thrive.
Fearing Failure
If you decide to work with the destructive tendency toward perfection and reduce the pressure on yourself, you may feel the real discomfort with the idea of failure. This may terrify you because your self-worth is so tied to success. Anxiety builds as you strive to meet expectations—both your own and others’. You may experience imposter syndrome, doubting your abilities despite your accomplishments.
We want to reassure you that the fear of failure is a sign of anxiety. You are pushing yourself to avoid that fearful, anxious response. The work in therapy with perfectionism includes learning how to manage the fear of failure, or making a wrong decision, or not working hard enough. This includes learning to cope with the discomfort of this anxiety, and showing yourself that you can handle it.
Hiding Emotions Behind Success
If being vulnerable or uncomfortable feels like a weakness, you probably push down feelings of anxiety to maintain a composed (perfect) image. Over time, this emotional suppression can worsen your mental state, leading to burnout or panic attacks.
You are your harshest critic. You offer yourself little, if any, kindness, for fear that you will become weak or unmotivated. This self-imposed pressure to perform perfectly, as a way to cope with your fear of failure, not only increases anxiety. It creates a vicious cycle of self-blame and stress.
If your achievements are praised, but others don’t see your struggles, that is a sign that you fear admitting your success is driven by anxiety.
To break this cycle, you must learn to recognize the subtle signs of anxiety—such as tension, sleep disturbances, or constant self-doubt. Embracing self-compassion, setting realistic goals, and seeking support can help you manage perfectionism and reduce your anxiety.
You will learn to sit with the discomfort, but the honest truth, that you are not perfect, and perfectionism will slowly chip away at your self esteem, energy, and ability to perform.
Overcoming Perfectionism
Anxiety in perfectionists often hides behind ambition and success. By recognizing your struggles, and addressing them with care and self-compassion, you can find balance and protect your mental well-being.
It may not seem possible right now if you do struggle with perfectionism. But the truth is if you can be kinder and more gentle with yourself, you will not only still achieve the success you desire. You will be able to enjoy it!
