By Alena Gerst, LCSW | Founder, Director, Psychotherapist
Teenagers are fairly notorious for two things. First, they want to establish independence and start to explore the world on their own for the first time. Second, it can be difficult to motivate them to do the things they don’t really want to do.
So, as a parent or caregiver, especially of an anxious teen, that can put you in a tough spot. It’s important to encourage your teen to take steps in the right direction on their journey. But you don’t want to hover, make decisions for them, or keep them from failing and growing, which can increase anxiety in teens.
So, what can you do to motivate your teen while respecting their independence? Let’s cover a few strategies that can help while keeping the peace at home.
Listen and Validate
One of the best ways to understand your teen is to foster a household where communication is a top priority. Obviously, it’s important for you to offer advice and guidance. But, it’s just as essential to be an active listener.
It’s not uncommon for teenagers to feel a bit misunderstood. They might not even fully understand their own feelings or how to cope with them. By encouraging open communication, you can learn more about what they’re going through, offer support (if requested!), and be present for them.
Being an active listener requires more than just “hearing” what your teen has to say. Listen to them without letting distractions get in the way. Be sure the screens are put away and won’t be disruptive. Ask questions. Repeat statements that need clarification. Most importantly, remind them that their feelings matter and their emotions are valid.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries might seem like more rules to your teenager, but it’s how you present them and stick to them that makes the difference.
Setting healthy boundaries within your family lets everyone know what to expect, and just is importantly, the why. Boundaries need to be fair, of course, but they can be used to motivate your teen even when they have a hard time motivating themselves, especially if your teen struggles with anxiety, as many do. This can teach them how to overcome challenges and self-motivate without your constantly hovering over them.
Let Them Fail Up
You should absolutely encourage your teen when they have specific interests. If there are hobbies or activities that motivate them, support their growth in those areas.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for teenagers to want to give up when something becomes too difficult or if they try and “fail” — especially more than once.
As a parent or caregiver, you might want to protect your teen from the things that cause increased anxiety, bring them down, or cause frustration. But, failure is important, not only for motivation but for nurturing independence and perseverance.
Talk to them after a failure or setback, and remind them that the most successful people in the world had to fail again and again to reach the top. And even more important, listen to what they have to say. If they’re truly passionate about something, it will be worth it to persist, so your teen will learn to problem-solve in different ways and give them a sense of accomplishment for continuing to try.
Let Them Work Things Through
While you can provide guidance, encouragement, and advice, you have to be willing to let your teen foster their independence. Obviously, you don’t want them to do things that could be harmful. But, consider the potential pros and cons of their actions or desires before immediately saying “no.”
Letting them increasingly experience life on their own can boost their internal motivation and help them realize what they’re capable of. It’s a fine balance, and not always an easy one. There will be times when you miss the mark; we all do! But showing your teen that you trust them to follow their instincts, it will help your relationship and your teen’s future, especially if they struggle with anxiety and you worry that it’s holding them back.
