By Alena Gerst, LCSW RYT
I am by nature a pretty organized person. If I miss an appointment or run late, it’s the exception. If someone asks me to do something, they can (almost) always rest assured it will get done. Some of this is rooted in a motivation to be reliable, someone who can be counted on.
Some of this aspect of me is rooted in anxiety.
As a therapist, and as someone who also has experienced anxiety, there is one thing I know for sure: anxiety is persistent.
The work in anxiety therapy when you’re just getting started has critical components:
- The first is identifying what triggers your anxiety.
- From there, we begin to look at how you respond to your trigger(s), which is often what will be the impetus for you to seek anxiety therapy in the first place. This can look like having trouble falling or staying asleep, disruptions to your nutrition, agitation with your loved ones, or a negative impact on your work performance.
- As you begin to consciously notice when your anxiety is triggered, you will also be brought to your awareness when you react with an anxious response that you don’t like, and when you can begin to observe yourself handling these events differently: in other words in a way that feels more adaptive and productive.
When you have a discouraging moment, such as when you notice your anxiety was triggered and you have an “un-proud” moment for how you responded, I want to encourage you to look on the “bright side…”
This may not sound so bright but…
BUT: Anxiety is relentless. There will always be another opportunity to try again 😉
I find that if we don’t address our anxiety triggers and challenges, they will dog us until the ends of [our] time. The anxiety “whack-a-mole” will keep popping up, giving you infinite opportunities, which I sometimes refer to as your “task,” to manage your triggers.
So being the organized and reliable person that I am, one of my tasks as a parent to a neurodiverse beauty is to manage my own anxiety when the inevitable need to pivot comes up.
I’m hereby referring to this life-dance step as the ND Parent Pivot.
By design, parenting is an exercise in expecting the unexpected.
Parenting a neurodiverse child is this principle on steroids. We can make all the plans we want. We can pay in advance, put it on the calendar, and give much advance notice. But we’d better be prepared for a contingency plan at all times.
And when the plan doesn’t pan out, that’s most often when the attitude adjustment work (for parents!) is most needed.
As an organized person who prefers to know what to expect, it’s safe to say that the neurodiverse parent pivot has been a work in progress for me. If you’re reading this, I’m thinking it may be for you too.
So how is the Pivot done?
First, you put one foot in front of the other.
Just like in a regular dance pivot, you take one step. When you’re first learning, or even when you’ve learned many times (!) but you have been caught off guard and need a refresher, after you take that first step, you hold there for as long as you need, to regain your balance.
Point your view in the direction you want to go next.
When you pivot in dance, have that one foot in front of you and then you shift your focus behind you, before you turn your body in that direction. In the neurodiverse parent pivot, set your sights on where you want to go next. It may not look anything like what you envisioned. If this is anxiety-provoking for you (as it can be for me), take your time.
Talk it out.
And the hardest, let go of the original expectations, so you can set new ones.
Move into the next space.
This is the moment when you make your next move. This whole process can happen in an instant, or over a period of time, depending on your situation.
Just like in Yoga, there’s no “there.” If you achieve the full expression of a pose, such as handstand, you don’t think to yourself, “I’ve arrived!” You never stop pressing your hands into the ground, or reaching your feet to the sky.
The Goal of Anxiety Therapy is to Manage it Effectively
The same is true in the treatment for anxiety. As anxiety is a chronic condition, the goal of anxiety therapy isn’t to eliminate anxiety. The goal is to learn how to better manage it, so when it (inevitably) returns, you can recognize it for the menace that it is, and respond accordingly.
And be patient with yourself as a student of anxiety management throughout your therapeutic journey. I once had a Yoga teacher who was teaching us to kick into handstand with our non-dominant leg…something I’ve historically avoided unless instructed to do so in a class. When he could see my frustration with not being able to get up, he said to me, “Don’t get angry with the leg that needs a teacher.”
I try to impart the same idea to my clients.
You Need Support, Not a Critic
If you’re struggling with anxiety, you don’t need to double down on the struggle by then berating yourself for it. You need support, not critique. Anxiety therapy takes a strengths based approach. We recognize your resilience. Things that may come easily to someone who doesn’t have anxiety, or more likely has anxiety too but has different anxiety themes than you, are not fair comparisons for yourself.
We all need a teacher in some ways. We’re all works in progress,
I have probably shared here, in so many words, that one of my themes is parenting someone for whom the many parenting books I read were not written! I’ve had to find my own tribe of parents, and books! And forums, and listserves, and podcasts…
Become Part of Our Tribe On your Journey of Parenting a Neurodiverse Child in NYC.
At Inside Psychotherapy, I am proud to be a part of others’ tribes, whether you are taking a harder look at your anxiety, and your parenting challenges, its ok to reach out for support and help. You are not alone on this journey and our therapists understand this and are here to help!
- Learn more about our skilled team of therapists here.
- Fill out our convenient online contact form.
- Begin the journey to a life free from anxiety!
Other Therapy Services Offered at Inside Psychotherapy, NYC.
In addition to Special Needs Parenting, we offer a wide variety of therapy services designed to meet you where you are in your life. We also offer services both online and in person. We also utilize several different treatment modalities including CBT, Eclectic Psychotherapy, Mindfulness, and Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. Our services include therapy for:
